I have never had the feeling that suicide is an option for me. But many have. If I was to ever consider suicide, I would propose to myself instead of a superficial physical death — a ‘metaphysical death of self’.
“How Robert Moore describes death is this real sense that you DO have to die, it’s literal, the problem is that its not your physical being death. You know what would really make life the adventure you desire. If you killed your ’self’ — AKA you’re ego. You killed who you think you’re self to be.
Most people have a negative association with the ego. But the ego is the construct by which you interface with the world. You NEED an ego. The difference between a healthy ego and a destructive ego is one that relates wholly to the axis of self while remaining detached.” ~ Elliott Hulse
As I have grown I know my ego has as well. It’s important to note that very statement is a negative dichotomy. Meaning, ‘ego’ and ‘growth’ are not entirely different. They go hand in hand. I believe any and all type of growth has an influence on the cultivation of ego.
However, if we’re not careful, our ego can transmute and even deform . It can become completely inflated with a narcissistic blend of energy. I am my own victim of this at times. I feel I often tread the line between a self destructive and self-assisting ego. No matter if I am vocalizing it or thinking it, the walk across the ego tight rope is present throughout my day to day life.
The ego gives the sword and shield to approach life with.
Yes, it can harm me and my relationships in many ways. Self awareness has taught me to understand how the path of ego can either serve or destroy you. But at this moment in time, I am fully aware and accepting of the consequences that come with my character. That’s why when I am on my death bed, I think I’ll be very content.
I’ve know who I am. I am not ashamed of who I have become. I am willing to put all the cards in on my strengths that I believe best serve me and my surrounding world.
BUT, within that chaos I believe I contain the humility to understand that at the end of the day, everything I believe may be wrong, and I may have to change. Regardless, if my DNA continues to go in the direction it’s going, I am not capable of crying over spilled milk. If I am laying on my death bed with one day to go and realise I was wrong…I think I’ll be okay. Because I know I would’ve squeezed everything I could out of life to grow into the strongest person I could, and help others do the same.
I am still finding the cadence that works for my life. But I really believe possessing a strong determined ego serves me more than it harms me.
It grants me the bravado to attack the world in the manner I do.
It grants me the relentless pursuit to bring as much positivity I can into this world.
It grants me the heroism to empower others with infectious boldness and audacity.
It grants me the courage to conquer every challenge I face.
Once conquered: The foundation for my integrity and ego is solidified.
The cycle repeats.
Like it does for all of us, I am aware this cycle will end in some type of death of ‘self’. This is usually where the status quo will ignorantly point and laugh labeling a ‘mid life crisis’ to blame for one’s confusion and erratic action.
Unfortunately, as a result of a lack of guidance and knowledge the following stages that Joseph Campbell describes as The Hero’s Journey never comes to fruition as many fall into a lethargic self destructive lifestyle.
However, for the few that do make it through, eventually, a rejuvenation and resurrection of a new self is born.